


I Can't Make You Love Me

by buggiekinsx



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M, Slow Burn, a bit of angst, serpent Jughead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-01 03:30:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11477709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buggiekinsx/pseuds/buggiekinsx
Summary: At the end of senior year, he chose the Serpents and she chose New York. A glimpse at their lives without each other and how they find their way back to one another.Bughead. Slow burn. A bit of angst. Slight change in time frame. Fred Andrews doesn't get shot.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've ever posted so I'm a bit nervous. All feedback is welcomed! Please let me know what you guys think :) Also, follow me on tumblr under the username buggiekinsx  
> I changed the timeline slightly. The Blossom murder occurred during the Summer of their Junior year so as of right now, this is post graduation. Fred Andrews was not shot in this story. There will be time jumps that will be acknowledged at the beginning of the chapter.

               Betty Cooper and Jughead Jones rarely, if ever, argued. They agreed on most things and could easily compromise if needed. But as she sat on her pink bed sheets sobbing, Betty Cooper felt her world imploding on itself. She knew that Archie had warned her time and time again that Jughead would do his best to push her away, especially now that he was beginning to handle FP’s responsibilities to the Southside Serpents. It wasn’t something she was comfortable with, despite how welcoming they were to her, but with a few minor fights between the couple- the entire ordeal was left alone. Jughead had been distant since he accepted their offer but Betty had managed to convince herself that with just a few months left before they started their journey at NYU that Jughead couldn’t fall that far down the hole that was the Serpents. After all, they had plans for their future and Juggie wouldn’t simply abandon them, right?

Wrong.

_ “Juggie, I don’t understand. We had a plan.” Betty’s forehead crinkled as she stood in FP’s old office at the Whyte Wyrm. Jughead took over it since FP had gotten locked up. He was sitting at the desk, eyebrows furrowed over the paperwork in front of him. He was hardly paying any attention to the blonde staring him down. His eyes scanned over the papers and the silence seemed to stretch on. “Jughead, can you please say something?” she pleaded. She felt like her heart was slowly shattering but she refused to let it show. She hadn’t realized they were so deep in until now. He was spending less time with her, drinking at the Whyte Wyrm, always with the Serpents… but she kept pretending everything was normal and now the truth was forcing its way to the surface. _

_ His eyes snapped up and something in them grew dark. “You want me to say something, Betty? Fine. You had the perfect life and future mapped out with me in it.  Everything was so perfectly set with a fucking pink bow on top but I can’t do that shit Betty. It’s never going to happen.” he growled. Betty was shocked, he had never even raised his voice at her before. She opened her mouth to say something but he cut her off. “I’m tired of pretending that this fantasy of ours is going to become a reality. I’m a Serpent, Betty. This is my family now and I’m not leaving them.” Jughead spat at her. Each word he said stung and her fists began to curl up in an attempt to regain control of her emotions. Her nails started to dig into her palm and his eyes flickered to her fists but he remained silent. “Jughead, I love you and I’m telling you now that you can’t have both me and the Serpents. If you chose them, I’m done.” Betty’s big blue eyes were pleading with him not to do this to them, not to leave their relationship like this but he refused to meet her eyes. She was searching his face for anything that hinted at the Jughead she knew and loved, but he simply wasn’t there. “I choose them.” he said coldly. _

_ Betty felt her heart drop. Tears were threatening to escape from her eyes as she stared at the floor. She wanted to run. Run as far away as she could from him, from the Serpents, from this town but she was glued to her seat with a sob stuck in her throat. She doesn’t know how long she sat there but his voice snapped her out of it. He had moved from his seat and was now standing infront his desk, just a few feet away from her. “Get out, Betty.” he said angrily as he ran his hand through his hair.  She looked up and this was not the man she was in love with. No, he had been replaced by someone far angrier and nastier than he could ever be. She didn’t recognize the man in front of her. And with that thought, all the tears she had been holding back came rushing down as she bolted out of his office, through the crowd of Serpents where she felt every set of eyes on her, and to her car with her fists curled tighter than ever before. _

Alice Cooper walked into her youngest daughter’s room and saw her curled up, sobbing in the middle of her bed. Since she separated from her husband a few months ago, she was slowly becoming a changed person. Polly moved back in and Alice was helping happily with the twins. She became more supportive of her daughters and was trying to keep her controlling impulses at bay. She was becoming the mother they both longed for.

She went and sat next to her daughter. “I’m guessing it didn’t exactly go well” she said as she rubbed Betty’s arm soothingly. “I didn’t even get to tell him about the program. I think we’re really done.” Betty bit her lip to stop her sobs from escaping but it just made it worse and she curled further into herself. Alice sighed, remembering herself in the same position 20 years ago. “Betty, you and Jughead have been through so much together at such a young age & he’s in over his head with the Serpents. He’s going to need you to help pull him out of it before he drowns. He loves you, honey. You need to fight for him.” Betty was shocked at her mother’s growing affection for her boyfriend. Despite all of the changes her mother has made and her attempts to accept Jughead, Betty could see that this was something she struggled with but hearing her mom now- she could hear the love she had for her estranged boyfriend. And she decided she just might take Alice’s advice.

\---

Betty woke up at noon to the sun glaring through her window. Her eyes were puffy and bloodshot, the skin around her eyes almost the exact shade of sickly pink painted on her wall. She groaned and rolled off the bed as she felt the sun burning the sensitive area after a long night of tears. She dragged herself into the bathroom to carry out her daily routine. As she brushed her teeth, the events from last night flashed through her mind. She thought back to the conversation with her mom last night and what she told her. She wasn’t sure how she was going to execute this, but she knew she was going to get her Juggie back… Tonight.

\---

That night Betty pulled up to the Whyte Wyrm still unsure of what she was doing. She didn’t waste any time working out the kinks in her plan but decided to face this head-on. She headed into the bar with a determined look on her face. She spotted Viper behind the bar handing beers to Joaquin and a few other young Serpents. Joaquin was laughing at something one of the boys said when he noticed Betty. She could’ve sworn she saw a flash of panic in his eyes when he saw her but she shrugged it off and hurried to Jughead’s office before anyone could distract her.

As she walked up the stairs, the music from downstairs faded and was replaced with an arrhythmic banging and muffled sounds coming from one of the offices. Betty speedily ran towards Jughead’s office fearing what he was experiencing beyond that door. She flung the door open and tears started spilling from her eyes as she took in the scene before her. Red lace panties were perched on the corner of the same seat she was sitting in yesterday with several other articles of clothing scattered around on the ground. Jughead was standing between two perfectly bronzed legs with his pants pooled at his ankles. His face was buried in the crook of her neck with both of their raven locks seemingly blending together with the exception of the infamous grey beanie. She was sitting on the side of his desk with her legs wrapped around Jughead’s waist as he thrusted into her. One arm had found its way around his neck while the other laid on the desk behind her keeping her mostly upright.

A sob wracked through Betty drawing the attention of the pair in the room. Jughead was still inside the mystery female when he noticed Betty and his eyes widened in horror. He opened his mouth to say something but Betty found herself racing through the Whyte Wyrm once again. She distantly heard someone yelling after her but she was running on autopilot, she needed to get away. Away from Jughead, away from the Serpents, away from Riverdale.

Jughead stumbled after Betty, calling and begging after her, barely holding his pants up with one hand. She ran through the door before he managed to drag himself down the stairs. He gave up on chasing her, knowing that he was the one that slammed that door in his own face. He fell onto the dirty floor of the Wyrm and allowing his sobs to consume him with the image of Betty’s tear-stricken face burning into his thoughts. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took me so long to update! I'm working on making a regular updating schedule. There's also a fic idea that's been floating around in my head for some time now and it's just begging me to write it down so look forward to that y'all ;) Anyways, this chapter pretty much wrote itself so I hope y'all like it. Friendly reminder that I love when y'all interact with me- it definitely brightens my day so please do!

A glass clinked against the bar counter ringing the ears of those close enough to the man that stunk of bourbon, cigarettes, and god only knows what else. “Jerrr-y, a-ano-th-err one” he managed to slur out, fingers desperately grasping at the edge of the counter to maintain his position in the stool. It was obvious he had had one too many… scratch that, ten too many. He was quite literally staggering in his seat, Jerry wasn’t even sure how that was possible. 

“Uh, Mr. Jones, I’m afraid we’re going to have to cut you off sir, I could call you a cab if you’d like?” Jerry uttered, unsure of how to handle the situation. He was fairly new to this bartending thing and his manager left him in charge with the promise that morning drunks were a rarity in this bar. Yet, here he was at 11am with a man who could barely remember his own name. In retrospect, he realized it would’ve been smart to cut him off after the first 3 or 5 drinks… or maybe when he walked in smelling like he slept in a bathtub filled with whiskey. The man stumbled out of his chair and leaned against the counter mumbling something to Jerry. The bartender managed to make some semblance of an address out from what the man was saying. 

Jerry called a taxi for Mr.Jones and helped him into it, throwing a few bills at the driver to get him where he needs to go. As the taxi drove away with the young man in tow, Jerry hoped he was able to rid himself of whatever demons he was carrying. 

\---

Veronica Lodge walked into FP’s trailer on a mission. “Jughead Jones! Where the hell have you been?!” It’s been two days since she’d seen him and she was scared he went on another drinking binge. It’s been two months since Betty left and Jughead had become a shell of his former self, drinking himself into oblivion. She’d been keeping an eye on him, doing the best she could to keep him out of trouble. 

She opened his bedroom door and her nose burned with the strong scent of alcohol. She found him in his bed- fully clothed, sprawled out with his head twisted in an odd position. “Jughead, get up!” She walked over to the small window in the corner of his room and opened it up, allowing sunlight and fresh air to fill the room. She walked over to Jughead, nudging him lightly to wake him. “C’mon Jug, wake up.” Her nudges became more rough and frantic as she realized he wasn’t responding to her. 

At first, she figured he was a deep sleeper but without even a slight stir from him, she began to panic. She felt a lump rise in her throat as she called the police, choking out the trailer address. She sat next to Jughead, fidgeting with her pearls. She glanced over at him every so often to check if his chest was still rising. A few tears slipped down her cheeks as she picked up her phone to call Archie. 

\---

Archie was greeted by the sound of heels clinking against the waiting room floor. Veronica was pacing the room terrified for her friend. Archie called out to his girlfriend, the dread hitting him as he took in the porcelain white walls of the waiting room. Veronica wrapped her arms around him tightly, “I’m scared for him, Archiekins. What if I hadn’t found Jughead? What would've happened to him?” The redheaded boy allowed a few tears to fall as he allowed the thoughts to consume him. His best friend, his brother was drowning his problems in alcohol and he had no clue how to help him. 

A doctor approached the waiting room, “Ehm, Forsythe Jones?” Archie and Veronica approached him speedily. “What’s wrong? Is he going to be okay?” The words came tumbling out of her mouth before she could even think about it. 

“His BAC was .41 when he arrived. He has suffered from acute respiratory failure and acute alcohol intoxication. We’ve pumped his stomach contents to remove whatever alcohol remained. He is currently in an alcohol-induced coma. Right now, it’s up to him to wake. We won’t be able to tell if any damage has been done until he’s out of a coma.” 

Veronica choked back a sob, the words ringing through her mind- Alcohol poisoning. .41 BAC. Coma. 

She was almost convinced that he was drinking to kill himself. She had nursed him before during one of his previously drinking stunts and he opened up to her more that night than the entire time that they knew each other. He cried about how morbidly fucked up his life was- between his father being locked up and the loss of every woman he’s ever loved (the number capped at 3 but does it really matter?). Jughead Jones’ life was a series of unfortunate mishappenings that he couldn’t control even if he gave up on his strange fixation with a certain crown-shaped beanie. He was spiralling and Veronica wasn’t sure if she was capable of removing him from this rut but she’d be damned if she gave up on him without a fight. 

\---

48 hours later. 

Jughead’s fingers twitched slightly as a low grunt escaped his lips. His head shifted as he realized a herd of elephants had found refuge running wild in his brain. He attempted to open his eyes but failed, noting that the elephants had shifted their weight to his eyelids. Regardless, he forced them open- he took in the pale blue walls that matched the johnny that he was wearing, the numerous tubes connected to various parts of his body, and lastly his eyes landed on a small figure curled into a chair in the corner of the room. Inky black hair spilled against the deep purple shirt she wore that fit her just tight enough for Jughead to see the steady rise and fall of her chest. He took note of this, keeping his grunts to a minimum to avoid waking her. 

He was trying to piece together how he ended up in the emergency room. He vaguely remembered drinking at the Whyte Wyrm and another place that he couldn’t quite make out. He was confused as to where else he would go to drink, he usually kept that reserved for the Whyte Wyrm where he could drink without judgemental eyes lingering on him without putting a dent in his bank account. His train of thoughts went offtrack and he groaned loudly as the pain hit him. Yup, definitely enough thinking for today. 

The figure in the corner of the room began to shift. “Jughead?” she said softly. 

“I’m okay Ron” he hissed out, not quite sounding as reassuring as he had hoped for. 

She moved towards his bed settling down near his legs. “You had us scared for a minute there” He pondered for a second about who ‘us’ exactly was. Veronica usually went hand-in-hand with a certain blonde who he refused to acknowledge. But he knew it couldn’t be her. He realized quickly that she meant Archie and that his friend was nowhere to be found at the moment. “Where’s Archie?” 

“He went home to shower and sleep for a bit. I couldn’t bring myself to leave you all alone in this place. I had Smithers bring a blue Mexican blanket in for you with some cupcakes and Oreo cheesecake from Martha’s. I had them brought down from New York, I promise you’ll love them! They’re absolutely heavenly.” She looked pleased with herself for a split second then it turned to slight frustration. “Well, you’ll have to wait until you get out to get those. The hospital plain out refused to allow me to bring them in, something about a well-balanced diet.” She rolled her eyes at this obviously thinking of his ridiculous eating habits. 

He smiled at this. He knew that dealing with him right now wasn’t easy for his friends but he appreciated Veronica for trying. She was really starting to grow on him. 

“Oh! Kevin just texted. He said Joaquin will be here soon to see you” Jughead stiffened slightly. He knew that he had to have done something stupid at the Whyte Wyrm to end up at another bar. He hoped Joaquin would help him fill in the blanks and that he wasn’t just coming to bear bad news. 

He felt Veronica clamp her hands around his. “I’m sorry Jug, I’m no good at this but I’m trying. I want to help you through this but I can’t do much if you aren’t trying also. It’s only been a month and I know some people’s patience is wearing thin with you but I understand that you need time. I’ll always be here ready to help. I just, I need you to want to help yourself. You literally almost drunk yourself to death, Jughead. I found you barely conscious in the trailer. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if I hadn’t come looking for you.” He saw the unshed tears in her eyes but he still didn’t believe she could understand. He doubted anything she just said would still ring true if he told the truth about the break-up. “Anyways, I’m gonna call the doctor to tell him that you’re up. He’s going to need to give you a check-up and explain to you what happened.” 

\--- 

Two days. He’s been in a coma for two days. The doctor said he seemed to have some memory loss from his drinking spree but other than that everything was okay. She had shown him a few pamphlets for facilities and programs for alcoholics but he didn’t need them. He almost snorted when she first brought them out. He didn’t have a problem. Sure, this time he definitely went over his limit but he’d be more careful next time. He was fine. 

He was just wondering when Joaquin would stop by when the door opened and the leather-clad boy walked in with a cup of ice. Once the truth about Jason Blossoms’ murder case had been closed, he had returned to the small town. He returned to the Serpents which was such an odd juxtaposition to his relationship with the Sheriff’s son. Him and Kevin have been slowly rebuilding their relationship since he came back. 

“Fancy seeing you here, come here often?” Joaquin grinned. Jug rolled his eyes. They’ve became friends over the past few months and Jughead almost found his humor endearing but right now, he was worried about other things. 

“So, why exactly did I leave the Whyte Wyrm? I can’t exactly remember.” Joaquin snorted. 

“Nice Jug, I don’t think they’ll be particularly happy to see you anytime soon.” He groaned. What could he have done? 

“You seriously don’t remember, do you? You spent the entire night drinking by the bar. It was early morning when Dingo saw you and made some comment about Betty Cooper. I don’t know what he said but it sure as hell ticked you off. Clocked him right in the nose. Didn’t know you had it in ya.” Dingo was some dickhead Serpent that Jughead kept himself away from. He loved making nasty little comments under his breath and Jughead’s blood began to boil, only imagining the comments he could’ve made about Betty. 

“Anyways, long story short- you pretty much got kicked out of the bar. I doubt the other Serpents give two shits about what happened, I’d suggest letting Dingo cool off for a few days before you show your face. You know how he is with his ego.” 

“You said I was there the entire night… How long exactly?” 

“You came down from the office and went straight to the bar. Stayed there ‘til around 9 in the morning. You were shit-faced, dude. From what I’ve heard, you found your way to another bar after that.” Joaquin’s face was starting to form worry lines and Jughead cut him off before his thoughts could sink in any further. 

“I’m alright Joaquin. It was a one time thing, won’t happen again.” He held his hands up almost defensively. 

Joaquin stared at him for a minute. He was debating whether or not to trust him on this. He knew Jughead hadn’t been handling the break-up well but he also knew Jughead. His life was a mess but he always managed to keep himself together and push through. He knew that someone that was fine wouldn’t almost drink himself to death, he knew that this wasn’t okay. He was certain Jughead could manage this but he decided that he would still keep a lookout for him. He could tell that Jughead needed someone to be there for him. 

“Yeah, man. Just know that I’m here for you alright? You need anything, I got you.” 

And just like that they were back to bantering like nothing happened. 

\---

It was almost midnight and Jughead couldn’t force himself to sleep in this uncomfortable hospital bed. He was forced to stay here for 24 hours so that they could monitor him, he never knew that he could miss the trailer this much. As time crept up on him, he found thoughts of Betty flooding his brain. 

Somedays, Jughead swore he could hear her candy-coated voice or that he could smell the vanilla and brown sugar bodywash that he used to find himself intoxicated off of. He missed her. The way that her head fit perfectly in the crock of his neck and the warmth of her skin left him in a daze. Her body always found a way to mold perfectly against his as if they were made to be one and they were trying to fit the pieces together. 

He felt hot tears scorching a trail down his cheeks. He had fucked up. Big time. He had lost the love of his life and he had no one to blame but himself. He was ashamed that he had hurt her, he knew that he had ruined her. Betty Cooper deserved so much better than him and he knew that but he was selfish when it came to her. He wanted her all to himself but he knew that he’d only hold her back. He doesn’t think that he would ever be able to explain to her or even himself what had possessed him to do the things he did a few months ago. He found himself asking why almost every night and he had yet to find a proper answer. 

At this point, Jughead found himself curled in a ball sobbing over Betty Cooper, the one he pushed away- and man, did he need a drink.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short but I promise the next chapter will make up for it & answer some lingering questions. Feedback is appreciated as always <3

_Deep breathes. In and out, Cooper. In and out._

Betty was perched at the edge of her bed at her NYU dorm trying to prevent yet another anxiety attack. She sat there clenching her white duvet between her fists, her vision was blurred. She felt her blood pulsating in her ears and felt them growing red. Betty struggled to keep her thoughts focused as she felt her thoughts disappearing into the light. Her mind felt distant- as if it was half-awake and only able to string together incoherent nothings. She felt small and tears began to well in her eyes. She tried to remember her breathing exercise but that train of thought floated away minutes ago.

On the floor in front of her laid a few photographs Polly had mailed her. Her sister insisted that she had these to remind her of home: the twins sky high on baby swings with their toothless mouths wide in excitement, mama Cooper seated on the floor with her legs tucked beneath her- an amused look settled on her face as she held a small red-headed girl trying to walk, Polly at Pop’s flashing her cheesiest smile as the red lights spewed across her, and the very last photo that sent Betty over the edge sat messily over the others almost mockingly staring at her. It was of her and Jughead on one of many movie nights at the Cooper residence. Jughead was sitting on the sofa with Betty curled into his side, her head laid against his shoulder with her eyes fluttered closed- a still of Audrey Hepburn wearing a Tiffany blue sleeping mask was barely visible on the television in the background (It was obviously Veronica’s night to choose a movie). The most petrifying part of the photo for Betty was the look on Jughead’s face as he stared down at her. He looked like he was in awe- as if he was staring at the most precious thing in the world. It made her want to hurl looking at it, spurring thoughts of that god-forsaken night before she left Riverdale which triggered her current state.

Her arms began feeling heavy. Her head was pounding to the beat of her pulse and she felt the crippling feeling that came with her anxiety creeping in.

The past three weeks in New York had led Betty to find a new outlet for her problems. In the effort of forgetting all things Riverdale, she attended a Paint & Sip in Tribeca. She found the blank canvas brought her comfort and clarity. Her grip on the paintbrush allotted her complete control as all the demons she’d buried clawed their way out from their graves & splashed themselves onto the canvas. On her way back to the dorms, she’d purchased an easel, paints, brushes and several canvases- which now sat in the corner of her room. The blank canvases were placed on the floor behind the easel with a few painted canvases laid to dry.

Betty’s eyes caught the blank canvases at the corner of her room and on a whim, she pushed herself up trying to calm herself enough to make it to the easel. She grabbed a few brushes and channelled her feelings of anxiety into the canvas before her. Betty allowed her feelings to take over, allowing them to brush and stroke as they please.

After about an hour, Betty took a few steps back to take in what was thrown onto the canvas. The deep hues of brown and orange ran blended in the background leaving a rustic feel while her fingers had dipped into the purest white to form several cloud figures on top. The white left no harsh lines against the oranges. Her heart filled at the sight of her work as she added a finishing touch- the word breathe written in cursive on the bottom right corner.

This was her reminder that she wouldn’t allow her past to dictate her future. She would wage wars against the difficulties she faced. She refused to allow a boy to control her from the back of her mind. She would grow past this and into herself with time.

~

Betty curled into bed that night exhausted. After her anxiety attack, she had two courses to attend as part of the Journalism summer program she was in. She had busied herself throughout the day doing coursework and writing a bit in her journal. When she could no longer occupy herself with work, she went for a walk around her new home- exploring Manhattan was not as difficult as most outsiders seemed the think and she enjoyed seeing some of the quirks Greenwich Village had to offer.

Her subtle cramps throughout the day were building up and she felt as if there were chainsaws at war in her lower tummy. The past few days she has had light pink spottings and she just summed it up to mother nature giving her a heads up on her period. The cramps she was experiencing were excruciating. A few tears slid down her cheeks as she tried to think of anything besides the pain she was experiencing.

She laid in bed tossing and turning, urging herself to fall asleep. She laid there promising her body that once she was asleep, the pain would numb. After many leaked tears, sleep found her and wrapped her up.  

Betty laid on her stomach with her hands tucked under her pillow. Her hair was fanned across the pillow with the moonlight illuminating the golden strands. One of her legs were hiked up towards her belly when she felt her stomach churn. She moaned loudly as the pain woke her. She writhed in pain for a few minutes before her hands flew around her stomach attempting to hold herself together. Never in her life had her period cramps bring her this much pain. She made slight movements with her hands, rubbing various parts of her body attempting to soothe the pain. Her hand darted over the bed that rest between her thighs and a gasp escaped her lips as she felt a puddle of blood pooled on her sheets.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay y'all. This is obviously a difficult topic to write on, I worked extremely hard on this. I have no personal experience with carrying a child. However, I wrote this chapter for my best friend & our little Anastasia whom we love and miss dearly... She had an abortion not a miscarriage but it hurt the parents & the close friends involved nonetheless. She read over this chapter & gave her stamp of approval :) so to my best friend & our little angel...  
> Warnings: Miscarriage. (If you chose to skip this chapter, I sum it up at the end notes so you won't miss anything!)

_August 8th 2017_

_nineteen days. nineteen days before I could bring myself to write about it. nineteen days since the the stars in my sky lost their glare and the moon seemed to dull. nineteen days since my world changed when a soft-faced man told me I had gained and lost a child- all within the same sentence._

_I was 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant when it happened._

_I woke up with a ball of pain in my stomach and blood between my thighs. I miscarried they told me. Unknown causes. The doctors told me it was normal to mourn but how could I cry about something I was never given the chance to smile about?_

_I’ll never hear his heartbeat or feel his legs pressed against my stomach. I’ll never whisper sweet nothings to my bump in the middle of the night. or hear his first cry. I’ll never hear his first words or see his first steps._

_I should’ve spent the rest of my life with you but you spent yours with me._

_My mourning came in the babies who cooed in their strollers as I walked past them on the corner of the street. It was the toddler who shared a secret smile with me over the booth divider. The pregnancy announcement an old family friend posted on facebook letting the world know her bundle of joy would arrive in a matter of months. My mourning came in the numerous mornings I found myself seated at the playground watching a young mother blow raspberries against her baby’s belly._

_My mourning comes every night as I find myself cradling the soft flesh of my tummy as I fall asleep, wishing nothing more than to find the missing part of me. My mourning comes every morning as I routinely bleach my sheets hoping to somehow scorch away the memories of that night and every night that followed._

_I see you when I sleep. Blue eyes, dark hair and a constellation of beauty marks that’ll never be. I spend most of my days asleep now- I can’t decide if it’s a nightmare or a dream. Maybe it’s both but I pray that you keep haunting me if it’s the only time I’ll ever see you._

_I never gave much thought to God but I never thought he’d be so cruel. To take something so precious- maybe he needed you up there but I needed you more down here._   
_I was left with a hole in my heart and a graveyard in my stomach._

_The world doesn’t notice when a flower doesn’t bloom, it doesn’t take a second look if the petals fall too soon… my mourning is real even if I never knew._   
_my baby was here even if he was gone too soon._

_\- Betty_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you ever need help coping with any situation- my inbox is always open. I'll do the best I can, I love you all 
> 
> *If you chose to skip this chapter, it's simply a diary entry regarding how Betty is coping with this news. The only vital take away is the fact that she had a miscarriage.*


End file.
